I'm Here.... What Now?

I'm here.  I'm actually here.  When did this happen?  How did I end up back in Australia?  I know there was sweat, tears, fears, joy, triumph, work, paperwork, packing, and a million other things involved but how did it all come together?

I faintly remember the flight. The nonstop turbulence for 13 hours LA to Sydney.  Carrying overpacked bags through crowds to my next gate.

I have been back in Northern Queensland for almost 7 weeks now.  Time and life has flown.

I am actually living my dream.  This is my life.  Doing what I love.  Doing what I feel created for.  How can I even begin to list out the things I've been involved in since being back?  Youth teams, fundraiser breakfast, a medical ship sailing to PNG, press releases, newspaper blurbs, community events, meeting Prime Ministers....

I am blown away that when I wake up in the morning this is where I am.  I have been filled with a range of emotions from the minute my plane touched down in this humid, beach town.  Mostly surreal.

The hardest part of becoming a missionary and living out my dream is reality sets in.  The fact of the matter is, I haven't magically become an amazing person over night.  The people I serve alongside are just as human as I am.  Some of them are very frustrating and annoying humans.  Some of them are wonderful beyond words.

Me.  Well, I'm still super broken and imperfect.  I didn't wake up this morning without faults because I chose to follow God into my new life.  In fact, not every day as a missionary is one of submission (handing over my control and rights to God and letting Him lead).

Sometimes I just stuff up!  Sometimes my attitude is crap!  Sometimes I am tired and cranky and full of venom.

In fact, my last experience out here was one of unbelievable triumph and joy.  This time has been a lot harder.  I find it hard at times to focus on God when I'm working so hard for Him.  Oh, but there is my issue.... my surrender needs to be continual.

Despite the problems, I am in the best part of my life because IT'S NOT ABOUT ME! How refreshing is that?  *Sigh!*

No matter how irritating people can be, especially me, God remains God.  While my emotions spatter the map, He is.  He is good.  He is righteous.  He is peace.  He is LIFE.  He is LOVE. He is truth. While I may choose to walk in a tainted identity, He sees me with eyes of love.  I sometimes run after my own ambitions and forget what is tangible, He is there patiently turning me back.

I have been walking in incredible frustration wondering why as a follower of Christ and missionary I don't have much together.  I make the same mistakes over and over.  But I stop and wait for His truth.  What does God intend for me and what would He say about me?

He doesn't intend frustration and discontent.  While I don't get magical fairy dust to fix all my personality quirks, I certainly can't bury myself in lies and self-doubt.  I can wake up tomorrow overfilled with joy.  I can spend my day in peace, despite all circumstances.  I can be beautiful.  I can be sweet, calm, patient, kind, slow to anger.

In fact, this is how I will choose to live.  I am not changing who I am, from imperfect me.  I am just becoming more of who I really am.  Who I was made to be.  My identity isn't that I'm a missionary.  My identity doesn't lie in the fact I live in Australia instead of America.  My identity is found at the foot of the Cross.  A life submitted to God!  Let the world see Him, not me! 

March Newsletter

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let
us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us
run with endurance the race that is set before us...” HEBREWS 12:1


Farwell, Boise.  You’ve been a good home!


A little over a year ago, I was camping in the Australian
bush with my school.  We were going through lectures on
Lordship.  During one of our response times, we prayed to
see if there was anything God wanted us to lay at the foot
of the cross.  (Yes, we literally had a cross set up.)  After
praying about it, we got up and confessed our idols or
things we were clinging to that kept God from being Lord
over every aspect of our lives.  Then, we laid a symbol of
that down at the cross or we gave it away.


I had a few, but the biggest was Boise.  For the first time
in my life, I felt rooted to a place.  It was home.  I have a
great church here, great group of friends, and so many
favorite spots to run, have coffee, rock climb, etc….  I
spent most of my 20’s in Boise; some of the most formative years of my life.  It’s where I made a lot of mistakes, a lot of wise choices, and learned…. a lot.  It’s where I became ME, essentially.
In that moment, before my peers, I knew I had to give it
completely to God along with all the comforts I had accumulated over the years.  I didn’t know at the time God would ask me to leave it behind, but I knew it was something I was holding onto for my security.  While it was very difficult, God didn’t just rip it out of my
hands but He changed my heart.  Slowly
over the rest of my Discipleship Training
School, He was giving me the ability to let
it go. By the end, I knew it wasn’t going to
be my home anymore and I was okay with
that.


It’s about trust.  Do I trust God?  Do I really
believe that what He has for me is greater
than what I know or cling to? Am I willing
to follow Him?  Is following God worth giving up Boise (or whatever it is you have as
your security)?  Can I praise Him for what He has given me,
even if He takes it away?  It’s Lordship.


“And if it is evil in your eyes to serve the LORD, choose this
day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers
served in the region beyond the River, or the gods of the
Amorites in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my
house, we will serve the LORD.” Joshua 24:15.


PRAYER POINTS:
I am so excited for this new chapter in life!  I fly out Tuesday March 27th.   Please pray for smooth connections, luggage making it, and some rest on the flights…. I haven’t
been able to sleep on a plane yet.  LA to Sydney is over 10
hours!
Currently I am at about 84% of my support.  I still need
about $200 a month to meet my goal, but have enough at
this time to be okay.  (I also have a tax return to help get
me through a few months.)  My visa has been approved,
upfront costs paid, and all the pieces are falling into place.

Prayer for my placement into a house or flat on base; that
I am placed with the right roommates.  There are so many
cute houses that are possibilities for me to live in and a set
of apartments right on base.  

Praise that it has stopped raining in Boise
and Townsville.  I will not leave or arrive to
flooding!!!


For those of you who do support me financially, I
will be making a few changes to how you can
give, so keep your eyes open this month for an
update.  The YWAM account takes some fees and
then withdrawing from my bank into Australian
dollars also hits me with fees.  I am looking at
switching to a PayPal, which will save me $25-$50
a month.

So Many Answered PrayersI

With only 12 days left until my flight leaves for Australia I can confidently say that I serve a Big God, a Powerful God, a Providing God, a Loving God, and a God who cares about my little details in life.

Tonight after life group I came home to one of the best e-mails of my life.... Australia has accepted my visa application!!!  Despite the teeth clenching, extreme mountains of paperwork, and a million follow ups with paperwork from supporters, I can happily say it has been worth it.

I am also only 16% away from being fully supported.  At the beginning of this week I started off at $1100 and within a few days was up to $1240!  $1200 was my minimum goal to go.  I have an unbelievable peace that God knows what I need and will provide the rest.

So, to end this week of craziness (flying to and from Denver to see the family, eye Dr. appointments, dental appointments, biking in extreme traffic and weather all over Boise, etc...) I will get to have a nice day of getting my hair cut tomorrow, trying out Heidi's new skin care and make-up, and buying new running shoes!  It will be a perfect way to wind down this hectic but awesome week! 

February 2012 Letter

I have been struggling to fill everyone in over the past month.  I feel like the past few months I’ve been singing the same song, going through the same struggles, and slowly but surely getting ready to head into missions.  I didn’t feel much new was going on…. Until last night, that is.

I decided to listen to a sermon by Francis Chan.  Chan talked about Daniel 4.  He shared that King Nebuchadnezzar understood God’s power and sovereignty to a deep level, and we need to grow in our understanding of this as well.  We cannot be elevated or brought low without God’s hand in it.  God’s will for us endures above all else.  The entire world can disagree with God, even the angels can disagree with God and yet He prevails. 

Daniel 4:34-35, “…I blessed the Most High and praised and honored Him who lives forever; for His dominion is an everlasting dominion, and His kingdom endures from generation to generation. All the inhabitants of the earth are accounted as nothing, but He does according to His will in the host of heaven and among the in habitants of earth; and no one can ward off his hand or say to Him, ‘What have You done?’”

But, it goes beyond that.  While God has this power, He still chose to come to earth.  He still chose to humble Himself to death on a cross.  Not because He had to but because He wanted to.  Chan shared that in our own lives we, as Christians, should be imitators of Christ in this.  He talked about giving up everything: comfort, social norms, reputation, even his church, to live for Christ.  Not because we have to, but because nothing else should matter in our lives but making disciples of all the nations, baptizing them….     

I have to admit, the past few weeks I have been sucked in by materialism.  I have wasted time looking at and pursuing things that fade.  My list of “needs” before I return to Australia continued to grow at an alarming rate.  I started making ‘wish lists’ for clothes and other things.  I haven’t had the resources to actually purchase anything but in my heart I was compiling all these treasures and clinging to them.  I have wasted hours looking, coveting. 

Less than a year ago, I spent 3 of the best weeks of my life in East Timor living in a shed on a cot with 4 t-shirts, 2 pairs of pants, and little food or resources.   I was so content and happy.  I also had more than anyone else in the village and all I had fit into a backpack. 

I have repented, but, admittedly, I am still struggling wanting more.  God didn’t call me into missions to elevate me. He isn’t even necessarily going to bless me.  All I have is only because He chose to give it to me.  It is more than I need.  In the process of support coming in, I have to stop believing any of it is by my efforts.  I cannot trust in my own ability.  God is the one who is providing.  He is the one putting people in my path to support me.  My job is to be a good steward of what He has entrusted me with.  My job is to live for God and point people to Him.   

King Nebuchadnezzar was the ruler of the greatest kingdom on earth at the time.  He had more power and wealth than anyone else could even imagine. Yet, God humbled him, stripping him of even his sanity.   Who am I to expect anything from God? 

Prayer and Praise:

-I am currently at about $960 in monthly support!  Leaving about $500 a month to still come in. (4.5 more weeks!)   

-Visa is in process, they contacted me wanting more support information before accepting or denying it.  

-Pray for continued focus to be Christ centered and not “me” centered.

-Thanks to the Neely’s for having provided room and board to me over the past 6 months, allowing me resources to prepare for missions. 

What My Parents Taught Me

As I get older I recognize and uncover so many frustrations and struggles I have with my parents.  I love them and I know they love me, but one of the biggest hindrances has been being who God created me to be and not who my parents think I am or should be.  There is a huge gap in this.  I don't think they are necessarily disappointed in who I am; I just don't think they realize who I am.  Not completely anyway.  

For example.  I hear over and over again from my family that they are so happy I want to remain single, never have kids and serve the Lord.  I literally have no idea where they got that.  I look forward to being married one day.  I look forward to having chubby, curly-headed toddlers who grow into amazing men and women of God.  Just because I'm not out pursuing it like society tells us to and my identity and focus are not based on marriage and a family, doesn't mean I don't long for it. 

It's so easy to focus on the brokenness in our relationships, however.  A friend of mine illuminated my thinking with a similar issue with her mother.  "She is hurt because she thinks if I am not like her then I am insinuating she wasn't a good enough mother or that she failed somehow.  I think she was a wonderful mother; I'm just not her."  

It was an "a-ha" moment if ever there was.  Maybe while my parents are proud of me, every time I step out and break the mold they are thinking, "Why doesn't she want to do it our way? Weren't we good enough?"  

While I want to maintain sensitivity to them, I don't want to be them.  Not because they were horrible, but because I am not them.  With that, I do want to focus on some of the amazingly positive things my parents taught me. 

My dad gardens a lot.  He tore up their entire backyard and turned it into a mass garden.  Almost every place we have ever lived, he has something growing.  My parents also have fixed up every place we have ever lived.  I can't even begin to tell you the skill in home renovation I have.  How many hours of my life have been spent painting? Building? Planting? Weeding? 

My family has always sat around or below the poverty level in the U.S.  We've never had much.  Yet, we always had one of the nicest homes in our neighborhood.  Usually when we moved in our home was the bane of the area.  People cringed when they drove past.  Even after a few months, the changes would become clear.  By the end of a year, no one would ever know we had the fixer-upper.  

I love it.  

Part of the reason I became an artist is because I love beauty.  I love to make beautiful things and I love to take beautiful things I see and put them in a format people can appreciate.  

My parents taught me that.  Not in words but in deed.  I learned from an early age it should be our goal to leave every place better than when we came.  I know they meant that in a physical sense but I also believe it true in a spiritual sense.  

Every place I go, I want to make more beautiful, cleaner, better.  But, every person I come into contact with I also want to leave in a better place than when I met them.  I want to build them up, love them, make their life just a little bit easier and brighter.  And, more than anything, show them Christ because He can transform them and make them new. 

SUPPORT, etc...

Per many peoples' request, I am posting information on how/where you can send your support.

If you are going to commit to monthly support, please e-mail me and let me know how much.  Also, I have more information for you if that's the case and want to privately e-mail you! (eefoley@gmail.com)

You can send your donor-preferenced gifts to YWAM, PO Box 3000, Garden Valley, TX 75771-3000. The checks must be made out to YWAM.  

NOTE: Remember do not to put my name anywhere on the check but do enclose a separate note with my name. 

Put my name on the other piece of paper as Erin Elizabeth Foley (they need it to be specific as possible so it'll go to my account.) After the first time giving you will receive a return envelop to continue to send in your donations so this is only necessary the first time.  

If you choose to do BILL PAY from your bank account, you must put both my full name and your full name and address on the bill pay check when you send it out (in the memo line) Still make the check out to YWAM at the above address.

If you want to do an Automatic Withdraw on a monthly basis so the money is Automatically put into the account contact:  julie.sinke@ywamtyler.org and she will get you the forms to fill out.  (I HIGHLY recommend the autowithdraw so you don't have to worry about filling out everything on a 

monthly basis.) 

2011 PHOTOS

Overlooking Townsville from Castle Hill. 

Love on the Medical Ship

Vegamite: Australia Day! 

At Crystal Creek with Rog and Mel. 

Hidden Valley.... Queensland Australia.

Where most of our lectures and worship took place. 

Team Timor in Ayr at a Brekkie Club. 

Boxing Club in Ayr. 

Building a road over a river.... all in a day's work. Airlie Beach. 

Whitsundays! 

Cross at Camping

The Love Feast.... or was that fest? 

Free time at Camping in the evenings. 

Where we ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner for 16 days. 

Landing in Darwin. 

Baggot Community church... in Darwin. 

Sandwich making at Vinnie's. Darwin. 

Adorable boy in Baggot Community. 

BBQ on the dangerous, croc infested beaches of Darwin....so beautiful there. 

East Timor.... the water source to the village.  Got clogged a lot. 

Worship every evening in Suertulan, East Timor. 

Little Girl in Dili, ET praying. 

I love! (Indian Ocean, baby!)

View from burned out building. 

Last week of DTS.... the Aussies. 

My hero, my brother, my friend, BEN!

My 10 Humphrey ladies....we shared a flat and a lot of fun! 

Our absolutely amazing leaders. 

I love Aussies! These guys are such an example of what men should be! 

Marcelo in Gold Coast. 

Ben and Jordan fishing on a sand bar. 

Rog in his natural habitat. 

My darling, Laurie! 

In Sydney's Central Station. 

Bondi Beach in the middle of winter.... June! 

Jumpin' at Bondi. 

Art Museum. 

My 28th Birthday Dinner in Sydney. 

Can't miss the Opera House! 

How Do I Describe the Indescribible?

I have been attempting to put 2011 into words. Or even the fact that this week one year ago, I headed to Australia to start an adventure that changed my life forever. I will admit, I started writing a few but haven't finished.

I cry, I ponder, I get lost in memories, good and bad. But, I can't seem to put it into words. I will try for you in the near future but I fear it will pale in comparison to what life really looked like this past year.

Plan "B"?

It's imbedded in our culture. Part of the fabric of Western Society. The "back-up plan" also known as plan B.

In this context allow me to speak as a Christian to Christians.

It seems like in almost every decision we make, we have a few more in our pocket just in case the first one falls through.

"If college doesn't work out, I'll go into the military." "In case this spouse doesn't meet my needs I'll get a new one." "If all else fails I can do X, Y, and Z."

I will be honest, Plan "B" makes me angry! I see plan B as one of many things, none of them positive. Either we don't really believe we can follow through on our commitments or we don't really believe God.

I believe I am called into full-time missions. I believe that calling is to serve with Youth With a Mission using my journalism and photography for His glory. To reach nations.

The past few weeks I have been struggling with discouragement and doubt a lot about my calling. Part of it is because I haven't taken time to pray and hear from God like I should. The other reason is I've had Christian after Christian listen to where God is leading me. Then, wrapping up the conversation they say something like, "That's great, but what's your plan B if it doesn't work out."

Gutted!

Are you kidding me? Did I stutter? I KNOW GOD IS CALLING ME TO THIS. Now, either you don't believe me when I say that or you don't believe that God is big enough to handle what lies ahead. Either you are calling me a liar or you are saying God isn't sovereign.

Yes, that is a bold statement. Yes, sometimes God calls us to something and our own desires or expectations get in the way. I do not believe I am above that. I also have lived long enough to know it's not going to look exactly like what I think it will look like.

But, here's what I do believe. The Creator of the Universe has a plan and purpose for me. I know His voice because I have heard it thousands of times and checked it against His word to validate its truth. I look at His character and ask, "Is this something God would call me to?"

I also know a deep seeded calling on my life. I see glimpses and whispers of it back through my whole life.

I don't need a Plan "B".... I will go where He leads me until He tells me otherwise. There is NOTHING.... I repeat NOTHING I have ever found in the Bible that validates the Plan "B" we western Christians place so much stock in.

Moses didn't sit down with Aaron and say, "Well, just in case God doesn't really deliver us out of Egypt what do you think we should do?" NO. He uprooted thousands of people through the most impossible circumstances and left Egypt.

The apostle Paul was called to return to Jerusalem where he knew he would likely be jailed and killed for his faith. When he first told his fellow Christians they tried to dissuade him. But after he made it clear God asked it of him, they supported him. Why? Because they knew God is bigger than what they think lies ahead.

When I stepped on the Hillsdale College campus for a visit at 16-years-old, I knew it was the school God wanted me to attend. My mom begged me to have a back-up plan. She found other schools for me to apply to. I didn't. Months later I was accepted, soon after I had most of my school covered by scholarships.

When God called me to move to Boise on 48 hours notice, I did. I packed everything I owned into my car and drove 15 hours through a blizzard to a city I didn't have a place to live, didn't know anyone, and didn't have a job. I have never looked back and questioned that calling. I knew even when facing some tough obstacles, that God wanted me here.

The first time I went to Australia for my Discipleship Training School people thought I was insane and asked the same question. "What if this doesn't work out?"

I don't say this to walk in pride. I say all of this because I know the God I serve. At His name every knee will bow and every tongue confess that He is Lord! I know that He defeated death. I believe that He spoke and the universe came into being. The earth is His foot stool. The world and all it contains is His.

Why, oh, why do we walk according to any other plan than His? I certainly need to come before God to make sure my Plan "A" is His plan. But, as a friend recently told me, "God is not going to call you into the desert and leave you there."

Maybe, just maybe, we as Christians don't see change in the world because we don't really believe God is moving.

FRUIT (Testament to God's Faithfulness)

Sometimes I wonder if my life really matters. Am I impacting the world? Is anyone really listening?

The resounding answer is "Yes." That's why the term Christian has a negative connotation attached to it in our culture. The world is watching, and a lot of the time they don't like what they see. The good news is, God moves despite our failed, flawed attempts.

I should be reflecting His light, but sometimes I wonder.

This week I had a tearful conversation with someone I've been friends with for about 5 years. I met her training for my claims job. When we did our second round of training in Los Angeles, we volunteered to be roommates since the hotel didn't have enough single suites.... trust me it was no sacrifice rooming with her in this huge hotel suite.

She is from Seattle, so a bit away but not too far from here. We got along great even though our lives and backgrounds were so different.

Later that year, I visited her in Seattle and got to meet her friends there, hang out and just talk a lot about life. I didn't realize at the time I was sharing my faith. God is just a key part of who I am, I guess He just comes out even when I don't think about it.

When I went home, I begged my Life Group to pray for her. So they did.

Fast-forward 4 years.... I see on facebook she is getting baptized. Next thing I know, this whole past year, she's going to church, talking about God, His Word.... She is now a Follower of Christ!

I recently wrote her to let her know how proud I was of all that she was walking in and how encouraging it was to see God working in her. She told me that being friends with me was part of that transition. She saw my faith and love for God and wanted it for herself. I cried. I bawled like a baby.

I don't say this to glorify myself. I'm sure there are people in this world who have a completely different view of God because I wasn't faithful in living for Him.

But, I say this in encouragement. I prayed for her in hope, but I guess like a lot of Christians, I wasn't sure if God would actually move. My faith was paltry at best.

God is faithful. He is so, so faithful. He loved her so much that He put her in my path because He was pursuing her. I was one of His many instruments to reach her heart.

Love people. Go love people. Tell them about what God's done to you, but they won't listen until we forget our pride and love them unconditionally. And, pray for them. Pray believing big things. At the time, I had no idea the outcome. I am so glad I got to see the fruit of God in me. I'm so glad I now have another friend who is living for God's kingdom!

Bold for Christ?

I blew it! I completely screwed up! You know those opportunities staring you in the face and you completely walk away? I recently had one.

See on my DTS I felt pretty bold for Christ. It wasn't so bad going into the streets and sharing God with backpackers, teenagers, and random "townies". Probably because I knew I wouldn't be back and they'd never see me again (well, not until heaven I hoped.) It was also easier because I was with 36 other people doing the same thing. We'd pray together, encourage each other, and go.

That's all great but God wants us to be bold for Him as much in Jerusalem (home) as in Samaria (further away areas).

I was sitting at Java reading my Bible, journaling, sipping my Bowl of Soul before meeting with a friend to talk about her trip to Africa. A girl came in and sat close to me.... obnoxiously close. I was annoyed, of all the places in the coffee shop to sit it had to be within my personal bubble! This was MY "quiet time"! (Yeah, I still have a pretty selfish heart.)

Then (thinking somehow I own this little space of coffee shop) she has the nerve to start talking to people who pass through, apparently she knows them. I'm sitting so close I cannot help but hear her conversation. She's probably my age (mid-late 20's). Less than a year ago she woke up and was completely blind in one eye. The Dr's had trouble diagnosing it. It was an eye disease so rare hardly anyone in the US actually has it. There is nothing they can do. She was sharing with her friend about how terrified she was when it happened and she had to fly back to Boise from California where she is living all alone to be with her parents. She sounded so helpless and upset over her condition. It also seemed clear she wasn't a follower of Christ.

Her friend left the shop and she sat quietly typing on her laptop.

God prodded me, "I want you to pray for her." So I prayed. "No, I want you to go over to her and pray for her."

"God, are you kidding me? This place is busy but not busy enough no one would notice!"

"She needs to hear about ME and be healed!"

"Wait, God, you want me to go over to this stranger in this coffee shop I frequent, share You, and pray out loud for healing for a girl who isn't a Christian?"

"YES"

"Are you kidding me!?! They are going to think I'm nuts!"

I tried to negotiate with God.... perhaps sitting this close my silent prayers would heal her. A sign... I need a clear sign. (Okay, I heard God loud and clear on that one, I just wanted a miracle, like no one else but me and her in the coffee shop, God forbid people judge me!)

God wouldn't let me out of it but I was full of excuses (Oh, Moses, I know your pain.) What's more is not only was I afraid of man but what if I prayed for healing and God didn't heal her?

In the time I sat negotiating with God knowing clearly what He wanted me to do, my friend showed up and the girl left the coffee shop.

The worst part of all. I know I failed. I know what I was suppose to do. I wonder how cool and what a testament it would be to be able to sit here and glorify God for healing a stranger's blindness and bringing her.... if not those around who witnessed to Christ! And if she hadn't been healed? She still would have heard about God and had hope to cling to! But, deep down, I know she would have been. I let a person go blind because I was afraid of people's opinions! Seriously!?!

Worst of all, I possibly let people perish because of my fear. What's blindness compared to eternity separated from God? My prayer now.... don't let her suffer because I failed to move! I wonder how often God sees this in all of us. In our comfy churches. How much of the world hasn't heard because we were not bold for Christ? In Jerusalem, Judea, Samaria, and the ends of the earth?

When He is Sufficient

I was raised to be fiercely independent. As a child, I remember helping my dad work on cars or the house, he'd tell me, "I don't want you to need anyone for anything." I grew up believing the "right way" was to be able to take care of myself in every aspect.

If I wanted something, I had to work for it. My family is made up of mostly Germans who arrived in America at the early 1900's. They were poor immigrants who worked very hard. That's what the American dream is all about after all, 'if you work hard enough, you will be successful.'

I started working at 13 years old. I took every job from painting, to babysitting, to mowing, farm labor, etc. Once I could legally work, I had about 3 jobs at one time all the way through high school. If I wanted something, I worked for it. I wanted to go to college so I worked hard in high school to get good grades, eventually leading to mass quantities of scholarships to a great private college. (to my non-American friends, college/university isn't paid for here.)

This pattern kept on my whole life. I did it. No one else helping.

That's where I've been so wrong. I've completely missed the mark. First of all, I am grateful to my parents for pushing me and teaching me about cars, household repairs, building things, cooking, education, etc... But, I'm learning I am not sufficient and how damaging that outlook on life really has been.

I look back on my last real 'relationship'. He was gone for a long time overseas in Iraq. I could be there for him as much as possible, but still have my freedom. Still look out for me. He came home and was soon super frustrated with me. In my independent thinking, I didn't let him serve me. While I never realized until too late that I was doing it; I just failed to ask him for help when I needed help. I wanted him around. I wanted him to take care of me, but had no idea how to allow him to be the man. Why ask when you can just do? Right? After all, I didn't want to be "needy".

"God helps those who help themselves." I can't tell you how many times I've heard that. We think this is scripture. We disdain those who can't.

If you ever pick up a Bible, you find quite the contrary. God helps the weak and helpless. God sustains. He took a group of helpless people who were enslaved for 100's of years and made them His people. I've been reading the Old Testament and I see time and time again how God provides. Seriously, food that falls from heaven each day! No water.... no problem, just hit this rock.... gush, WATER! At war against tens of thousands of men; it's cool, God defeats them with 300 Israelites.

Doesn't James say, "True religion is this.... to provide for the widow and orphan." Not exactly those who help themselves.

My work ethic.... a gift from God. My brains that got me into a great college, all God. My jobs, also God.

The longer I live, the more I see it was never me providing for me. God has strategically placed people and events in my life. Recently I've been getting ready to head out onto the mission field.... Long-term. In the meantime, I've been struggling to make ends meet; I feel like a huge failure!

That's when God spoke up. "It's not you, it's never been you." "I'm not going to give you success right now because when I provide for you in missions and in life, I want you to know it was ME and ME alone who was carrying you."

In fact, God did more. He challeneged me at the beginning of my jobs to give. Sacrificially, painfully. Not because He needs my money. But so I can know it was Him.

Does independence come at a cost? Too high. I cannot make it one day without God sustaining me. I find myself pushing life like a huge, growing boulder up a hill when I try to do it on my own. As soon as I let go, it's amazing where He takes my life. All that I have, whether through my toil or not, is His and from Him. Not only Him, but the people He has put me into contact with.

While I've prided myself in being able to run half-marathons, wear 4" heels, shingle a house, cook carrot cake from scratch, and change a car's oil.... Turns out, this life was never about me and what I can do after all.

Prayer Requests (Just the beginning!)

Just got all of my visa paperwork for Australia today. I am feeling unbelievably overwhelmed. Didn't realize all that goes into this.

-Pray I get the local info like fingerprints and police background paperwork in by the end of the week, filled out and ready to go.

-Pray, I can get my paperwork from the FBI (yes, I have to get a bunch of stuff from them) expediently. They say it can take up to 3 months to get that back, I have to have it way sooner to send in my visa info. (Pray it takes 1 month or less).

-On top of all of the paperwork to send to the Aussie gov, they are saying I need a minimum of $28,000 a year to live in Aus. I have done a budget over and over again and feel I need about half that. I don't want to raise more support than necessary but the Aussie gov may not give me a visa if I can't prove I have that much coming in.

-In that, pray support starts coming in, so I can prove I will have money when over there.

-Finally, I have a memory stick with a ton of this info on it from my first trip to Aus. It has been MIA for the past 2 months and I have no idea what happened to it. I have literally looked everywhere possible. Pray it comes up. That will save me money and days worth of time if I can find it.

At The Beginning (Praise and Prayers)

Well, this is really happening.

Over the weekend I got the message that I was officially accepted to join the Staff at the YWAM base in Townsville, QLD. Reef to Outback here I come. After much excitement, reality swept over.... in the next three weeks I will need $1000-$1500 for the initial start up. $450 for staff training and supplies, $400-$600 or so for health insurance (required by the Australian government), and finally $300+ for my visa application.

It swept over me hard and I got a bit overwhelmed... but I know this amount is nothing for God to handle.

In other praise, I found out all of the giving can be funneled through YWAM accounts in Tyler, TX which means all of my monthly supporters will be able to claim their giving on taxes! I also got my first supporters this weekend!!!!

And, finally, another huge praise is knowing that my friend from DTS, Marcelo (from the UK), will be returning with me to join the staff! I can't wait to do another step in this journey with him!

Applied

Well, I am officially in the beginning of the whole big process. Got my application for the Pursuit done and handed in to be a "sent" missionary from the church. Now, my application to YWAM to be on staff is in and being processed.

It's a bit scary at this point. Things start feeling really real and less of a dream when the wheels get in motion! Am I really taking steps to spend my life in missions?

It's one thing to talk and dream of it, it's another thing to do it! I am so excited, nervous, and ready all at once.

But, with this is the beginning of the hard part too. When and if I am accepted, I now have to raise full support for 2 years and get my Australia visa in process and accepted. (From my understanding, the visa is the hardest part!)

Well, here's to You, God! You know and I give it to You since I know only if it's Your plan will it ever succeed!

Team Timor... Unity and Joy

I remember the moment.... a few weeks into our DTS our Outreach teams were put together. We all went off and prayed about what team God wanted us on. The staff also prayed. Out of us 37 students, there would be 4 teams. I hated the idea of leaving some of the 37 behind. I loved everyone so much!


I thought for sure I would be on the PNG hiking team. A day before the teams were to be announced, our leader (Naomi) came to me and asked if I would be okay with not getting my first choice. I wanted so badly to be on the "crazy, adventure team" but when I prayed about it felt like God just said, "Be open." So, I said "yes".


Our teams were announced.... all the other teams were jumping up and down, screaming, so excited. Our team blankly stared at each other. Could this be wrong? God really know what He was doing? I think deep down we were all a little disappointed. Of all the odd mixes of personalities, we were like the "left over" team. And, my leaders were the two staff members I knew the least.... neither had lead an Outreach before.


Don't get me wrong, I really liked everyone on our DTS a lot! And, I really liked all of the individuals on my team.... but together? We only had 2 guys.... one was the youngest person on our DTS, the other was hard to get to know and kept to himself a lot. Of us 8 girls, we had the quietest, girly-girls. If you wanted fashion advice you would come to our team but definitely not to build houses in East Timor! Other than Rachel and Malloree, I felt I hardly knew anyone on the team. The first few meetings it was hard to even fake excitement about being on this team. I think we all felt it.


Our first Outreach in Australia got off to a decent start. We had a lot of good ideas and things seemed pretty easy. We worked in schools and with youth groups a lot. Not really what I wanted to be doing, but it wasn't too bad. There were still little divides going on but we hardly noticed. Certain girls seemed to group together. Some people seemed like they didn't speak up or have much of a voice.


A week in, things exploded. It didn't help that it rained non-stop and we were stuck in a big open church with no where to go. Our leaders had left to run errands and we were planning the day's events. No one could agree. People started speaking disrespectfully.... the small tensions went to large tensions. After arguing, praying, throwing out ideas, arguing more.... nothing concluded. Finally, I lost my temper and stormed out of the church we were staying in. I knew if I stayed I'd say something I would regret. I sat in a tree in the rain with my Bible and wanted so badly to hitch-hike back to Townsville. I wanted so badly to say "I quit! I didn't come halfway around the world to revert to a petty 18 year old!"


One of the girls and I had been good friends up to this point. I adored her! Since being on Outreach, I felt like we faced off a lot. I was mad at her but didn't know why or have a reason. Needless to say, our leaders came back, we apologized to each other, prayed, and things definitely got better. Not great, but better.


We all returned from our first 3 weeks of Outreach. All of the teams had a good time but definitely some struggles with unity and personalities. Then, we had a week of lectures on Spiritual Warfare. The more the lecture spoke, the more I realized how I had let little thoughts and attitudes open doors to Satan getting a foothold. I looked back on our team and saw it clear as day that we had all played right into it without even knowing!


We got together as a team and talked about it. We all saw it. We all saw where we went wrong. We apologized and prayed together specifically about our attitudes and unity. I met with Mal separately and apologized for my attitude against her. I felt so terrible that I had been so angry with her over nothing, realizing it was all created in my own mind. Being the oldest, I should have been way more focused on the team and their needs rather than my own. I was so impressed with her response and forgiveness.... she had a depth of character and faith I needed to be learning from. Somewhere in that week, we really became a team. I was given a heart for everyone on the team, seeing the value in their unique nature.


Right before we left on our second Outreach, the base prayed for us. I remember specifically they prayed for "Unity" and "Joy". Something we didn't have the first time around.


PRAYER WORKS! Our second Outreach in Darwin and East Timor was one of the biggest blessings. We had so much fun together. No matter what the task I remember laughing with everyone. When we made decisions as a team, I felt like people were being heard, opinions mattered, we respected each other. The girls I hardly knew, I realized I had a ton in common with! Ben and Sam really stepped up as men and leaders! Maddie and Chelsea, our leaders, were streamlined and effective, they listened to us and really considered every decision with prayer.


When it came to living in a "shed" in East Timor and building houses, our "girly-girls" became experts. Everyone worked so hard, stepped up to every task at hand, and did it with a great attitude. I was so impressed by their maturity!


God put this team together. He knew in all of our weakness there was a strength to impact our Outreach locations.... and each other. We were more than a team, we became a family. I can't imagine serving with any other 11 people.


God taught me many lessons through this "left-over" team.... What appears to be the most mismatched, unlikely group anything is possible through putting God first. And, never make pre-assumptions about people and situations.... what you think will be an uphill battle usually turns out to be one of the best things in your life!


Our team: Maddie was a prayer warrior with a deep seeded joy... and grew a ton as a leader. Chelsea was sweet and nurturing. She cared deeply about people's hearts.

Sam had a deep understanding in spiritual matters, he was smart and mature for his age but also brought a fun element in still being "a boy" at heart. Ben lead well; he helped us with block laying.... put up with a lot of girly topics of conversation, pursued God, and could captivate an audience with his speaking.

Liz was very creative and full of ideas for teaching and projects. She was sweet and every minute of free time had her Bible open, working her way relentlessly through the Word. Courtney loved deeply... she fell in love with the kids in East Timor, spending every free moment with them. She had an amazing ability to hear from God in every situation.

Katie was thoughtful, considering everyone's needs before her own. She worked hard in everything she did whether anyone was looking or not. Hannah was our super star. There wasn't anything she wouldn't try and succeed at... everything was done to perfection, she learned the local language quickly, learned guitar, excelled at every sport we played and did it all with a smile.

Fanny was very passionate and compassionate. She is training to be a doctor and it's clear her concern for people's well-being. She also has a very spunky, and hilarious side. "Making laugh people" as she would say. Malloree stepped up in an older sister, leader role to the team. She made sure people were doing well emotionally. She made friends throughout the little village with the old and young.

Finally, Rachel, displayed an amazing faith from her very quiet nature. She kept people grounded (especially me), had a fantastic attitude in all that we did. And, just used her calming nature to keep the team united.

This Is A Call Out

Copy of my support letter.... here's my heart.

In January I embarked on an adventure that took me to Australia and East Timor. For a long time I have had a heart for missions but had no idea what that looked like. I dreamt of taking off a month to build houses in Africa or work with lepers in Nepal. God had different plans. The more I prayed about it, I felt like God was saying, "I don't want one month of you a year; I want all of you all year."

I spent 6 months doing an intense course called the Discipleship Training School with Youth With A Mission (YWAM). Never could I have imagined the way God would move. For the first time in my life, I woke up everyday and knew this is what I was created for.

In my first months there, I had three different people (two I did not know personally) come to me and tell me God gave them the word "Refinement" when they prayed for me. I suffered for 15 years from panic attacks; some so bad I was hospitalized. I was insecure in my faith and in my self-worth and walked in pride. In this time, God renewed my mind and refined my heart. I can, with absolute assurance, say I am free from anxiety! I know that I am a conqueror and coheir with Christ! And, that none of this is possible on my own strength.

My Outreach team spent time in Ayr working with children of all ages putting on programs to teach them about God. In Airlie Beach, we went into the streets sharing the Gospel with backpackers and BBQing for them. In Darwin we worked with churches, homeless shelters, and in aboriginal communities. Our work ranged from making hundreds of sandwiches for the homeless to running entire church services.

Finally, we spent 3 weeks in Seurtulan, East Timor (a tiny village literally built on the side of a mountain). We lived in a shed, took bucket baths, used a squatty-potty, and were awoken by rats almost every night. We built houses, taught English, basic health care, and Bible stories and would meet with people in the village to talk and pray. Every night, faithfully, people would come for worship and the Word. (If you want to know what real worship sounds like, have a guitar and about 30 kids singing at the top of their lungs all squished in a tiny room!)

Seurtulan taught me many great lessons. These people had little more than a bowl of rice and the clothes on their backs, yet they had a joy I've never experienced. They hungered to know more. The adults started showing up to the kids' lessons to learn more about the Bible! I got to glimpse the wholeness of the Gospel. We can't feed their souls but leave them uneducated and starving. Just like we can't give them a home but not give them a chance to know God. An incomplete Gospel still leaves them needy. James 1:22-27, "But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves... Pure and undefiled religion.... is this; to visit the orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world."

Our speaker for our lectures on missions asked us, "If money and ability were no issue, how would you spend your life?" My answer: use my gifts for journalism and photography to travel the world making God known, being a voice for the voiceless.

That same week, I found out our YWAM base in Townsville was one of a few in the world, spearheading an international news organization called "Grassroots News". The goal is to report on what is really happening around the world in order to inform and mobilize people to take action.

Years ago, I thought my dreams of journalism and photography were just that.... dreams. After months of prayer, I know God is asking me to pick them up and spend my life using them for His glory. He gave me this life verse: Proverbs 31: 8-9, "Open your mouth for the mute, for the rights of all the unfortunate. Open your mouth, judge righteously, and defend the rights of the afflicted and needy."

Long-term mission, living in jungles with mosquitos and no A/C had no appeal to me. In refinement, I now cannot wait to be doing just that!

Matthew 28:19 says, "Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit teaching them to observe all that I commanded you..." In this God doesn't give us an option. If we are followers of Christ, we are given this command. We all have a role to play in seeing the Kingdom of Heaven here on earth.

I would like you to stop and pray. Consider what this looks like in your life.

I am putting together, or rather God is orchestrating, a team of people to walk with me into missions. This will include support through prayer, regular contact, and monthly expenses. This is not an "either, or" but an "all of the above". I feel called to commit at least 2 years to this program and the rest of my life to missions. This will not be possible without God and without the community He has placed around me.

I know there may be more to be considered and would love to have a conversation with you to answer any further questions.

Waiting is the Hardest Part

I have started two new jobs which I am very grateful for.  They help pass time quicker and provide income and savings I need to return to Australia.  But, waiting really is the hardest part.

My new jobs now conflict with most of my friends' work schedules.  It also conflicts with Life Group.  Free time normally equates, Erin time.  I get things accomplished but there are only so many hours in a day for reading and chores.

Feeling pretty lonely.  My friend, Christina, just left to embark on a two+ year adventure to England with Operation Mobilization.  I am so excited for her, but that leaves me with limited friends who have a heart/understanding for missions.  Two other good friends just had babies, making their whole world a whole different world than mine.  Feeling pretty lonely.

Let's face it.  I miss Australia.  I know I'm going back but those six months stretch out ahead of me as if eternity.  I miss my DTS family who are scattered across the globe.  A lot of them are returning to University.

While other lives seem to move on to marriage, university, kids, world missions, mine feels like it is standing still.  Nay, I feel as if I am being pulled backward.  It's been two months since I left Australia and this time feels longer than the six months I was there.

I know this is me complaining.  I really have a good life and no hardships, so I shouldn't complain.  I have a wander-lust.  A desire to go do.  A desire to use my time to be meaningful.  My love language is acts of service and physical touch.... two things I'm missing a lot.  Once, I get my work schedule worked out, I plan on serving in the community, however, right now it's scattered all over.

But waiting is the hardest part! 

Returning to Oz....

A few years ago at my church, we sang a song.  It went something like "all I am is Yours".  My pastor asked us after we got done singing if we really meant that or if we were still holding something in our hands.  I knew I was.  I was holding on to security and comfort. The next time we sang that song I lifted my hands and opened them.  In my heart I said, "God, I want to mean this.  Everything I am and have really is Yours.  Use me, even if it's going to be scary." 

Shortly after that, I felt called to foreign missions.  Eight months ago, I was on a plane headed to Australia.  I sat there thinking, "Is this really happening?  I just quit a really good job in a bad economy.  I left so many friends and an amazing church.  But, I'm so excited!"  

My entire 6 months of the Discipleship Training School, I was praying about what was next.  I knew I was wrecked for the ordinary. I couldn't just go back to the States, get a normal job, tithe 10%, go on short-term mission trips every few years.... I knew I was created for something so much bigger. 

It came to an accumulation during week 5, Lordship week, when I knew God was asking me to lay Boise at His feet and surrender to where ever He would call me next.  I didn't want to but I did it.   

Still every time I prayed about my future, God wouldn't give me an answer. I felt like He kept telling me to live in the "here and now".  Not looking to what is next all the time.  It was a huge lesson and I'm so glad I did because I learned so much and enjoyed my time.  

I was frustrated, however, the week of graduation when I still didn't know.  Frustrated further as I traveled Australia afterward and didn't have any answers. 

After visiting my last group of friends at the Gold Coast before flying back to Sydney to return to the States, I cried my eyes out.  I thought I would completely fall apart on the plane.  Tears streamed down my face.  I felt like I had just grown hugely and now I would be returning to the States with no job and no idea what was next.  

After a nightmare of backed up flights in Sydney (volcanic ash wreaking havoc on Australia's flights), I boarded my plane to return.  I wanted to cry more.  I was leaving a place I loved so much.  Would I ever see it again?  

I sat in my seat and a peace fell over me.  As we took off, I felt incredible comfort.  Then I heard God's voice in a whisper.  "It's okay, you're coming back." 

But, how? And when?  I still didn't know.  So I took comfort that some day I would return. 

After getting back the more I thought about returning to staff in Townsville, the more excited I got.  I honestly didn't think I would go back on staff.  It didn't feel like an option when I was there.  I don't know why, but it didn't.  Now, I don't know how I missed that option the whole time.  

So, after more prayer, I will be returning to Australia in 2012.... likely early March.  Until then, I will raise support, work, and trust God for further direction.  I'm so excited!!! 

Lame-o

I'm sorry to those who actually read this.  I stopped updating about halfway through my DTS journey.  I have loved going back and reading the old posts.  Was that really only a few months ago?

I will give more insight into what God did in me and on Outreach.  But, for now, I mourn having left Australia.  I am back in the States, preparing for what is next.... which includes a tiring job hunt.  I know I am called to full time, long term missions.  Researching and looking into what capacity that will look like and the shape it will take.

Until then, I will use this ground, here in Boise as my mission field and try to remember I am here for a reason.  I am back in the waiting season that I hate but will endure because I know everything God has planned for me is worth the wait! 

p.s. I miss Australia so much.  Completely fell in love with that country and those people!

Australia Outreach Photos

Katie's 19th Birthday (in Burdekin Baptist Church where we stayed)

Sam prying open a coconut.

Chappy Scott teaching some boxing moves.

Our guys with the Home Hill Boxing Club.

After school program in Home Hill.

YWAM Base in Airlie Beach.

Rachel and I in Airlie Beach.

Hannah and I on the ship headed out to the Whitsundays to snorkel the Great Barrier Reef.

Whitsundays.

Chelsea about to eat a green ant. (taste like lime)

More Whitsundays.

My Outreach leaders, Chelsea and Maddie, super excited about the Whitsundays.

Most of my Outreach team. (me, Chels, Sam, Maddie, Fanny, Ben. Front: Hannah, Rach, and Court)